What You Don't Surrender
by SingingBlues
Summary: He retraced his footsteps, back to the moment when the two of them last met.―Yullen. AU.


**Chapter 1: Inconsolable**

"_The damage was permanent; there would always be scars. But even the angriest scars faded over time until it was difficult to see them written on the skin at all, and the only thing that remained was the memory of how painful it had been."__―Jodi Picoult_

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The wind blew gently at his face as he stood in the middle of the parade square. The faint sunlight shone at his shoulders as he looked at the surroundings of the shopping district, finding everything strangely familiar and nostalgic. It wasn't his aim to return here, but somehow, his feet just brought him here on its own.

_"I like you."_

Kanda shifted slightly, tucking his hands into his coat as he peered at the scrulpture in front of him. It had been two years, and the memories of this town were already fading, yet for some reason, this particular place still stayed vividly in his mind. Although it had been renovated, the feeling that he experienced here remained the same. He had been here frequently when he was still living around this area, but it wasn't because of this that he still had lingering emotions in this place.

_"I like you, Kanda."_

That particular voice echoed at his ears, as though he heard it just yesterday. It took place exactly on this day two years ago, at the same position that he was currently standing while he was facing him. He had always thought that it was a moment of impulse, and such feelings definitely wouldn't last. They weren't even friends, so it was impossible that this even happened. It felt so ridiculous that he wanted to mock him immediately.

His long strands of raven hair fluttered lightly as street lamps started lighting up. The feeling at his legs were slowly numbing away, and it was time for him to leave. His lips parted as he inhaled, and as he was about to step away, he stopped. He stared at the ground for a long moment, before he finally looked up, seeing a familiar white-haired man standing in front of him.

_"It sounds really ridiculous right? But yeah, I like you." _

His breath was stuck at his throat. The crowds were getting thicker, yet he couldn't look away. And as he stared, another figure appeared beside him, entwining her hand with his. He looked at the girl, his lips curving into a content smile as he leaned close to her.

He remained silent, unmoving. It seemed ironic to watch this at the place where he rejected him, yet there was no reason for him to reach out to him at this moment either. Kanda looked down, twitching his fingers which were turning stiff from the cold. His legs were losing the strength to support his body, and he turned around forcefully, facing the exit. And even if his heart was feeling strange right now, he walked out without a word, throwing all the emotions away.

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_"I like you, Kanda."_

_It wasn't like he cared. He hated him, and he did not want to be related in anything to him. He was annoying, and he would ignore him, treating him like an invisible wall as he talked to the others. There was no feelings considered. He was just doing an obligation for him whenever he asked him out. _

_They stood in the middle of the parade square. Allen was shifting nervously against the ground, that pair of silver eyes wandering elsewhere as he waited for his answer. Seeing this peculiar expression from him was completely new, and it almost made him laugh out loud. It was simply hilarious and plainly weird, for him to have such feelings towards him. Kanda smirked lightly under his lips as he leaned a little closer to him. _

_"Are you serious?" _

_Allen stiffened for a moment, and Kanda raised his eyebrow in a slight frown, wondering what took him so long to respond. The white-haired teen looked down at the ground for a few minutes, before he looked up at him with a smile on his face._

_"It sounds really ridiculous right? But yeah, I like you." _

_He was supposed to yell at him for being a bastard for not treating this seriously. He was supposed to scold him right at his face, yet he didn't. Allen just admitted it with a smile and repeated what he had said just now. Those words echoed in his mind, and for that second, he couldn't say anything. _

_It wasn't right. It wasn't right between them. _

_"You got to be kidding me."_

_It shouldn't be this way. _

_"I hate you."_

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He got out of the delivery truck, going to the back as he took out the parcels which had to be delivered to the client's company by evening. Placing his hands at the edge of the parcel, Kanda lifted it up with ease as he informed his colleague before going inside, registering himself at the main counter. He walked to the lift lobby, pressing the button before he closed the doors. He leaned against the metal railing, watching at the number on the screen started moving upwards.

The lift jerked, slowly coming to a halt as the doors opened. He lifted the parcel once again, walking to the glass doors of the first room as he pushed it open, entering the chemistry laboratory. He approached the assistant who was already there, and after exchanging greetings, he took the lift down and headed back to the truck.

As he walked, his feet stumbled halfway, causing him to fall all of a sudden. Kanda hissed, holding the side of the vehicle as he slowly stood up to his feet, opening the door as he entered the truck very carefully. While waiting for his colleague to return, he rubbed his hands repeatedly and began to massage his legs which were getting numb.

"Does it happen again?"

He turned, seeing his colleague and close friend Alma at the door, staring at him worriedly.

"I'm fine," Kanda grunted, buckling his seatbelt as Alma started the engines and began driving out to the road. He leaned back on the seat, sighing softly as he closed his eyes in slight fatigue.

"You shouldn't overwork yourself."

"Do not act like that old man," Kanda warned in a low tone, his eyes still closed.

"It has been two years, Kanda, and you know that."

Sapphire eyes slowly opened, staring at the traffic ahead. The truck was getting warmer, the radiating heat gradually entering his body as he felt better than before. He stretched his legs, leaning to the window as he gazed outside listlessly.

"Are you going back after this?" Alma asked, turning the vehicle to a narrower road.

"Yeah. That old man never stops in his nagging."

"You know that he is concerned about your wellbeing. How's your condition?"

He did not say anything, his gaze following the trail of colourful light bulbs hanging on the trees as decoration. They returned to the main factory in silence, and as he got down, he spotted a familiar car and a person who would always stand outside the gates, waiting for him. After saying goodbye to Alma, Kanda walked over to a man in his early fifties, stopping at the edge of the road as the door was opened for him.

"Tiedoll."

"Go in," Tiedoll said with his usual smile. Kanda glanced at him for a moment, before he entered the car.

None of them said anything during the journey, and he chose to stare outside once again, enjoying the cold breeze blowing at his face which relieved him of all the frustrations that he had today. The car passed by a long stretch of white of an abandoned land, and he stared at the remaining snow, wondering how long it had been since winter began. His breathing quickened slightly at a sudden stab of numbness attacking his right leg, yet he chose to ignore it, continuing to stare at the scenery in front of him.

"We have reached."

His vision blurred, and before he realised it, the car stopped in front of a white building. The old man got out of the vehicle, and Kanda opened the door which creaked along the way, stepping out. He then faced the large entrance, staring at the nurses and doctors who were moving around.

"Let's go."

He walked up the stairs and entered the hospital, staring at the surroundings which looked too familiar that he could memorise everything that he saw. They turned to the corridor, stopping at a particular pink room where he frequently came in and out. Tiedoll stopped at the door and knocked on it, before he opened, revealing a doctor sitting at his desk.

"Hello, Kanda."

The doctor looked up with a gentle smile as usual, greeting him in an extreme friendly way. Kanda went inside, ignoring the irritated feeling he was getting as he sat down, staring at the same brown file he was holding on with his particulars inside. His hand was busily scribbling something on the paper, and he wished that he could hurry up and get this over and done with.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine," he merely answered. The doctor smiled again as he stood up, telling him to lie down on the side bed behind them. Kanda stood up and turned around, walking to the bed. He sat on it as he took his shoes off and lifted his legs up, lying down on it. The doctor approached him, his gloved hands touching his calves gently as he started pressing them down firmly.

"Do you feel anything?"

He shook his head, staring at the empty desk as the doctor continued to examine him. The same questions came out of his lips, and he responded with the same answers he gave for every consultation. His eyes then drifted upwards, peering at the blinding light which made the surroundings a little brighter than before. The image of that particular person he did not want to remember flashed in his mind for the split second.

He wondered why he was still thinking of that person, even now.

"There is slight numbness in your legs, so you have to be careful. Two years have passed, and the symptoms will be showing very soon."

They got out of the room, sitting at the front of the pharmacy to collect his medicine. He could recognise the old lady who would always be sitting at a corner alone, staring into space. The annoying child would start bawling as his mother was comforting him. Everything that he was experiencing was exactly the same, and he was getting tired at seeing this.

"Kanda Yuu." He stood up, walking over to the counter as he saw the same nurse who gave him the medicine ever since he came here for treatment. A smile lit on her face as she handed him the medicine, and she would always use a tender voice as she told him to take care. He took it with an expressionless face, going back to the old man as they went back to the car. The revolting disinfectant smell slowly dissipated as they went out, and he took a deep breath of fresh air, his mind lightening up slightly by it.

"I need to stop by our old house to collect something. You wouldn't mind right, Yuu-kun?"

Kanda remained silent. It was only thirty minutes of journey, and he could see the faint figure of the white house where they previously lived. The car gradually came to a halt, and Tiedoll came out first, pressing the pass code at the gates before he entered. After the main door closed, he got out of the vehicle, peering at the red letterbox which was filled with unread letters when he wasn't around. The raven-haired man opened it with a small key, taking out the first letter which was unaddressed. He tore the slightly yellowish envelope and slowly unfolded the letter, staring at the rows of words that were all too familiar.

"Are you going to tell them that you have returned?"

He turned, seeing Tiedoll at the door. Kanda stared at him for a moment, before he turned to the letterbox, taking out the next letter. Numerous letters started falling out, spilling all over the ground. This letter was also unaddressed, and it was also written by one of them asking for his whereabouts. He stared at the last envelope in the letterbox and took it out, opening it.

_Kanda,_

_It has been a long time since I met you, and I feel that this has to stop. _

_I have already forgiven you, and one of us has to make the first move. Thus, I decide to move on. _

_Whatever you do, I believe that there is a reason behind it. _

_Anyway, _

_Goodbye, Kanda._

_Allen._

Kanda picked up the remaining letters on the ground, bringing them back to the car as Tiedoll was driving back to their current home. He read them during the journey, and the details were the same. He chucked them aside, taking up the letter that he had opened just now.

This was dated last Christmas. It was a simple farewell, with no lingering emotions behind it. He gripped on the paper tighter than usual, his heart clenching slightly. It ended just like that, and it was obviously clear that he was not turning back. Kanda leaned back, not expecting this to be this easy. He remembered the girl who was with him at that time, and it was probably because of her that he decided to move on. And although he should be glad about this, this feeling was particularly heavy, pulling him down quickly.

"Is there a reason why you did not tell them?"

Kanda stared at his reflection from the front mirror, seeing the partial view of Tiedoll as he diverted to the left, entering the expressway. His gaze slowly drifted to the blank sky, staring at it for a long moment. There wasn't any reason behind it. He just wanted to leave, and he did not want unnecessary confrontations and tear-jerking moments before he departed. They only met one another at that moment, and when it was time to go, he would go without hesitation, because he was not someone who would turn back.

"You know, it is not good to lie."

Why, after getting what he wanted, was he still reluctant to let it go?

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_"Anyway, I can see that Lou Fa likes you, Allen! When are you going to accept her feelings?"_

_"Wow, are you serious? She's a nice girl, Allen! I support the both of you!" Lavi exclaimed in excitement, before he turned to him._

_"Isn't it right, Yuu?" _

_He stood up, slipping his hands into the pockets of his school pants as he started walking away. _

_"You are leaving already?!" the redhead shouted out. Kanda did not reply, returning to the school to get his belongings and leave for the day. He was walking along the corridor at the first floor, and he slowly stopped at the front of a classroom where Allen would be at. Kanda peered at the last second row of the desk nearest to the window. He would pass by this corridor whenever he was going home, and Allen would always be sitting at his desk by the window alone, sleeping under a heap of opened books and notes. _

_After the day he confessed, he was not there anymore. _

_Kanda shook his head, walking up the stairs as he went to his classroom at the third floor. He took his sling bag and carried it by his shoulders, making his way out. He stepped out of the school building, and he almost stopped as he saw Allen with someone else standing at the school gates. She was talking to him rather shyly, and he presumed that she was the girl who had a crush on the beansprout. _

_He slowly increased his pace, approaching the two of them. They stopped talking at seeing him, and he did not look up as he walked out of the gates, heading to the bus stop which was just a few metres away, and boarded the bus which arrived. The doors closed, and as the vehicle slowly drove away, he stared outside the window, shutting every thought regarding the white-haired teen. _

_It was just a confession. It meant nothing to him. _

_Kanda alighted at the next neighbourhood, walking to his house. He stopped by the gates, pressing the pass code at the side of the wall. Just as he was about to enter, his legs suddenly gave way and he fell to the ground. _

_"Yuu-kun! Why are you sitting on the ground?" _

_The main door opened and a man in his fifties called Tiedoll walked towards him hurriedly. Kanda grunted in irritation, taking his hands as he slowly stood on his feet. He had probably tripped from a rock and fell. Ignoring the old man who was asking whether he was alright, he took his shoes off and entered the house._

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He grimaced as he collapsed to the floor, his hands grasping on the wooden leg of the table as he struggled to stand up, but his weak legs just wouldn't budge. He growled angrily, his fingers clawing against the surface as he pushed himself up, panting slightly as he finally managed to get up to his feet. His muscles were contracting strongly, and the pain was spreading up to his thighs and upper hip.

Kanda hissed, forcing himself to move a step forward as he reached the couch, before he released himself as his body sank on it helplessly. He stared at the veranda in front of him with a blank expression, ignoring the medicine on the coffee table which were laid out for him to eat. The numbness came and went at unpredicted times, and he had to stay at home at certain times when it was serious. He was too exhausted to do anything, and he just sat there in silence, listening to the clock which was ticking away.

Even till now, he still couldn't bring himself to believe that he was in this state. Kanda stared at the medicine in front of him, wondering why he still had to take it when it could only prolong his life instead.

Either ways, he was going to die, so why was he still doing this?

His hand twitched as he reached out and took the glass of water and pills, swallowing them down his throat. Despite how he hated himself for this, he still ate it. Kanda placed the empty glass down, leaning on the couch as he stared at the snow which started to fall outside. The constricted feeling at his chest was there once again, and despite how it tried to drag him down, he forced himself to stand up, making his way to the door. His hand reached out for the doorknob hurriedly, fumbling with it for a few seconds before he finally opened, stepping out into the open.

The white matter landed on his shoulders as he walked out, feeling the coldness as it gradually seeped into the tips of his fingers spreading out. Kanda looked up, slowly inhaling as faint light washed over him. He had never felt this refreshed and peaceful before. He gradually closed his eyes, and even if his legs were beginning to freeze up, he did not want to leave.

If only the snow could continue to fall.

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_No matter how he thought of this, the situation that they were in was simply impossible. He groaned at the limited space he could move in the storage room, staring at Allen who was staring elsewhere, shifting uncomfortably in his position. He glared at the acting props and other old stuffs which had not been used for a long while, before he let out a hiss, turning to the locked door and tried opening it again. _

_"Oi, Moyashi."_

_"My name is Allen," Allen replied coldly. Kanda ignored his statement and continued what he wanted to say._

_"Did you have your phone with you? I left mine in the classroom."_

_Allen took out his mobile phone, dialling someone's number as he held it at his ear, waiting for someone to answer, but he doubted that anyone would answer at this point of time when everyone was at the hall, actively promoting each of their activity clubs to the freshmen. The white-haired teen listened for a few more minutes, before he gave up and put his phone down in frustration. _

_The two of them stood in the darkness, not saying anything. The lights weren't working, and they couldn't risk moving around and bump into the props that the drama club members needed for their performances. He could only see part of his shadow with the help of the faint light from the small window just right above. The place was so silent that he could hear his shallow breaths, vibrating at his ears very clearly. _

_"Hey, Kanda."_

_He folded his arms and listened. It wasn't surprising for the beansprout to break the silence first, since he wouldn't be the first one to talk._

_"You are graduating four months later right?"_

_Kanda snorted in response. Was he stupid to ask something like that? _

_"Yes." _

_"I see." _

_His shadow shifted slightly, and he could see his hand which were lifted up, as though it was reaching out to the faint evening light shining upon him. _

_"Why did you ask? I thought you knew."_

_Allen laughed, and his laughter gradually became louder, as though he was facing him at this moment. _

_"It feels so fast, that I haven't taken notice of it till now."_

_His voice quivered slightly as he finished his sentence, and he could somehow figure out the face expression that he was currently making. And even though he knew the reason behind this, he did not intend to say anything. Kanda looked away, shutting that particular thought out of his mind. He cast those emotions aside, his hand touching the hilt of the sword which was found lying on a table._

_"Are you going to a university?"_

_"Yeah, I guess," Kanda answered, wondering when exactly someone would come and open this damn door already. He sat on an empty desk, swinging his legs slightly as he wondered how his club members were doing out there. Allen stopped talking, and they just remained silent like this, as though they were waiting for each other to continue. He considered everything which was present in this room, and after a few minutes of contemplating, he had no choice but to return to the last person whom he tried to ignore. And no matter how he thought of it, he wondered why Allen had feelings for him. _

_"Why do you like me?"_

_There was no response from the other. Or rather, the beansprout should be staring at him in complete shock at this question. He tried reasoning this out by himself, but no matter how many different possible scenarios he had thought of, he was unable to come out with an answer. It was simply irrational. They were supposed to hate each other. _

_"I just do."_

_Why was he feeling guilty towards him? Why was he trying to find excuses to get himself out of this, such that he could feel the reassurance that he needed when he faced him? _

_"But it's okay now. I will slowly forget about it, so let's treat it as nothing happens." _

_His eyes widened at his statement. He was certainly relieved that he was willing to let it pass, yet why wasn't he feeling good about it? _

_The door finally opened. Allen was the first one to step out, and he continued walking forward without turning back. _

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Kanda got out of the delivery truck, carrying a parcel as he walked past the doors into a marketing firm, signing his name at the visitor's catalog. He proceeded inside, taking the lift to the fifth floor where the marketing department was. The lift slowly stopped, opening its doors as he got out, entering the large office which was filled with people moving around. He stood aside and began looking around.

"You are here!"

He turned, seeing a middle-aged man wearing spectacles on his face. He gestured him to follow, bringing him to the conference room as he was told to put the parcel down at the side of the table. Kanda placed it down, wiping beads of sweat off his forehead as he asked him to sign on the receipt. As he was signing halfway, the door opened with a hard slam.

"Manager! The part-timer is finding you!"

The manager thanked him for coming once again, before he exited the room hurriedly. Kanda slipped the piece of paper into his pocket, taking his phone out as he checked his schedule for the day. He went out of the conference room, stepping out of the office. He heard a faint voice at the corridor, his whispers getting louder by each step that vibrated on the floor. He frowned in slight annoyance, deciding to ignore it as he turned and headed back to the lift lobby.

"But are you alright with it?"

He couldn't comprehend why he was trying to eavesdrop their conversation which was completely none of his business. His pace slowed down as the lift lobby was within sight, and he heard laughter from behind. It was extremely unpleasant, triggering memories which he did not want to remember.

"Of course! After all, you are the most important person to me, Allen!"

He froze, his eyes widening in shock. Kanda gradually stopped at the side of the corridor, feeling the wind between them as their shoulders brushed past. And as he slowly looked up, he could only see strands of white hair fluttering before his eyes. A sudden chillness touched his skin, sending slight shivers on his body which was unable to respond at that particular moment.

_Goodbye, Kanda._

He turned away just as a group of people walked past him, and the loud commotion gradually disappeared as the lift doors closed. Kanda started to move, stopping at the lift lobby as he pressed the lift button. Silence caved in at his ears, and he almost chuckled out loud, mocking at his own reaction. His legs trembled slightly, and he held the edge of the wall for support, staring at the empty lift which arrived at the floor before he went in. As it began to descend, he leaned downwards, breathing heavily as he touched his forehead which started to hurt.

Kanda stepped out, signing at the main counter again as he returned to the truck where Alma was waiting. As his hand touched the handle of the door, he stopped again, turning back as he peered at the group which was now standing at the traffic junction.

"What are you waiting for, Kanda?" Alma shouted from the window, but he took no notice, his gaze continuing to focus on him.

His hand on the door slowly loosened, before it released itself, falling to the side of his body.

"Sorry. Can you go ahead first?"

He began to walk forward, ignoring his friend's cries. They went across streets, and he followed them behind, staring at his white hair which would always stand out among everyone else. After a while, the group finally disappeared inside a restaurant, and his feet slowed down, standing under a withered tree as he saw them sitting at the back. He stared at the reflection of his silhouette by the glass pane, and he just continued to watch in silence for the next few minutes.

He couldn't comprehend why he was doing this. There was _nothing _between the two of them. He was perhaps a friend whom he knew two years ago, but there was nothing more. Allen Walker was someone from the past, yet he somehow could not erase him away completely from his memory. Kanda closed his eyes, feeling the cold breaths of the wind blowing at his slight pale, frozen lips.

Was he actually regretting to read his last letter? Was he avoiding to know his real feelings towards him?

His legs gave way, and he crumbled to the ground. His hair was slightly wet from the melted snow, and his hands were too stiff to move. He just stayed this way, hearing the faint ringing sounds of his phone in his coat pocket. Sapphire eyes peered down in exhaustion as he tried moving his hand to reach it, slowly taking it out.

"Where are you?!"

He could only stare at the blue sky, mesmerised by how plainly beautiful it was. It was getting colder, and he was trying so hard to keep his eyes open. His senses were gradually numbed, and all he could feel and hear right now, was the solid beats of his heart which was keeping him alive. And as his vision slowly darkened, he wondered why the lingering warmth was still at his chest despite the surrounding coldness which was freezing him up.

"Kanda!"

He felt hands wrapping around his shoulders and his legs as he was being lifted up. Kanda let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes as he felt his consciousness drifting away.

And even if everything was slowly disappearing, why was the shadow of the beansprout still inside his mind?

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_It was the last day of the year, and he was standing in the middle, surrounded by people and the piercing noises echoing in the long night. Many road carts with colourful lights hanging on them were situated at the side of the road, and the aroma of the food was just hard to resist. Just as he was about to take a step, a hand grabbed his arm all of a sudden._

_"Let's go, Kanda!"_

_He frowned as he was pulled away by that beansprout once again. Kanda followed Allen behind, not bothering to make a fuss this time as he allowed the other to bring him to wherever he wanted to take him to. At first, the four of them were together, but the crowds of people in the shrine were numerous, and he had to end up together with Allen while Lavi and Lenalee were out of sight. _

_Their footsteps quickened, and he just watched his fluttering white hair strands which stood out among the people here. Before he knew it, the surroundings was quieter, and they were now in an empty field with no one around. They finally stopped as Allen released his hand and bent down slightly, panting heavily. _

_"We are here." _

_"I know that, but why are we here?" _

_Allen turned to him, and he noticed a faint glint in his silver eyes as his lips curved into a small smirk._

_"You will see." _

_Kanda raised his eyebrow in response. Allen turned around and went to the tree at the back, sitting down. He did the same, leaning against the solid bark as he let out a content sigh, staring at the night sky. Although he did not understand the reason for this, he somehow liked it, and was slightly glad that he brought him here. _

_They sat there in silence, and he closed his eyes for a moment. As he opened them again, sapphire eyes widened slightly at a bright golden orb shining in front of him. _

_"Can you see it?"_

_Allen's voice echoed faintly beside him. He continued to stare as the golden orb split into two, and then three, and then before he realised it, he was surrounded by them, brightening up the area of the field. The white-haired teen stood up and stepped forward, stretching his hand out as one slowly descended onto his finger. A breeze blew past, brushing his white hair strands aside as he saw the faint yet real smile on his face for a second while he was staring at the firefly. _

_Kanda slowly stood up, making his way to him. Allen looked up as the firefly flew away. As though he sensed someone coming, he turned around, his gaze meeting his. He continued to shorten the distance between them, until he was just right in front of him. His feet finally stopped, their shoulders briefly touching. Their hair strands were entangled together slightly, their warm breaths lingering at their lips as they continued to stare at each other. _

_And as though something within Allen attracted him strongly, Kanda leaned down and kissed him. _

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It was spring, a season which the weather was getting warmer and the flowers began to bloom. He opened his eyes, staring at the at the faint light coming in through the opened window as he smelt the fresh scent of sakura which came in, wondering which day it was today.

"You want to get out of bed?"

Kanda turned to Marie who was standing at the door of his room. The said man approached him, removing the covers as he slipped his hands behind his back and his legs. He tilted his face backwards as he was lifted up in his arms. Marie carried him to the washroom, supporting him by his shoulders as he began to wash up. After he was done, he carried him again, walking back to the room as he helped him to change into a new set of clothes.

He took his sweater and slowly put it on, sliding his hands into the thick sleeves. Taking the pants on the floor, he put it near to his legs, bending down a little closer such that he could reach to his feet and slide them inside. Kanda hissed in frustration, moving his hips slightly as he tried to push them in. And after a while, he would give up, waiting for a few minutes before Marie finally helped him wear it.

"Kanda."

Kanda stared at Marie as he leaned towards him, and he raised his arms and wrapped them around his neck while the other carried him up, taking him downstairs.

"How are you feeling, Yuu-kun?" Tiedoll asked, reading the newspaper at the couch.

"I told you not to call me by my first name, old man," Kanda said, taking a toast as he started eating, peering at the calendar on the dining table. The date today was circled in red, and he knew what day it was. It was the opening of an art museum at the central city, and Tiedoll was expected to be there at the opening ceremony.

"You will be coming with me, Yuu-kun."

Kanda snorted, finishing the remaining bread as he drank the mug of coffee in front of him. Apparently, the three of them would not be at home, and no matter how he tried to tell them that he would be okay by himself, they insisted that he had to follow either one of them for the day.

"I will be travelling throughout the journey by car, so you can follow me too, Kanda," Marie said, sitting across him.

"If you do not mind staying in the office for the entire day, you can follow me," Daisya, his second stepbrother, said as he munched a muffin, tapping his phone at the same time. Kanda peered at them, silent. He certainly did not want to stick with that irritating old man for the whole day.

"I go with Marie then."

Tiedoll just blinked in slight disappointment. Daisya just shrugged, respecting his decision. Marie smiled, putting his empty mug down as he took his jacket hanging by the chair.

"Then let's go. I need to return to the office to take something, before I go and meet my client."

Marie came to him, and he allowed the other to carry him up. The main door opened, and he winced slightly at the coldness which stung his skin. The old man assisted him in wearing his shoes, and the two of them set off to the car parked at the front. After putting the safety belt for him, Marie shut the door and went to the driver's seat, starting the engines.

He opened the window slightly, allowing fresh air to come in. The journey was smooth and peaceful, and he dozed off without himself realising it. By the time he woke up, he found the car stopping in front of a building, and Marie was missing. Kanda shifted slightly on his seat, staring at the sun which was already at the sky. Many working people were walking inside the building, and he would turn away whenever someone was staring at him. No matter how he convinced himself that they were simply curious, that particular gaze in their eyes always looked so sympathising to him.

"Sorry for waiting."

The door opened, and Marie entered the vehicle, throwing the document on the seat beside him. They headed out again, passing many streets and towns, and after an hour, they finally stopped by a cafe. Marie took the documents and went out, rushing into the cafe. Kanda peered at the entrance for a moment, before his gaze shifted to the view outside the window. And as he stared at the people who were walking on the street, he wondered how it would be like to be able to walk again.

His eyes widened slightly in astonishment, and Kanda turned away immediately, wondering what he was exactly doing. He must have become weak to be thinking of that. He let out a soft sigh, closing his eyes as his mind was gradually drifting off somewhere.

He wondered how he had been doing all these while.

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_"How ridiculous. Do you really think that I would fall for the likes of you?" _

_The whole classroom was silent as everyone was staring at the both of them who were the centre of attention. Allen was staring at him in trembling anger, gritting his teeth hardly as he was trying his very best to bear with the utter humiliation that he threw right at his face. _

_"To me, you are nothing but a beansprout." _

_He could clearly see the hurt which was inflicted onto him. He chuckled under his breath for a moment, the smirk on his face widening. _

_"How stupid you are, Allen."_

_"I HATE YOU."_

_He roared, his angry yet bitter voice thundering loudly across the room. His hands were clenched into tight fists, but he made no attempts to punch him which he usually did most of the time, and as the firm tone in his voice started to shake, he did not expect the tears to fall, streaming down his face. _

_"I will never forgive you. Someone like you should just disappear."_

_He knew he had hurt him badly, and he would never forgive him. And even so, somehow deep in his heart, he was relieved of it. _

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Sapphire eyes snapped open as Kanda stared ahead, breathing heavily. He sat up, looking around for a few minutes, before he finally realised that he was still in Marie's car. He swallowed, hearing the same words echoing inside his mind and remembering the same tears streaming down his face repeatedly.

He thought that it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't care about such things at all, because he wouldn't even give a damn on whatever the beansprout did. He could say whatever he wanted, and he would just shrug it off like it was nothing to him. And as time passed, the memory would eventually fade and go away. To make it more fun and thrilling, he even mocked him for his stupidity to plainly believe him without hesitation. His face lit up at the cringed expression he made, and he was so utterly glad that the beansprout was starting to hate him.

As he thought of it, he realised that the letter was the only one which he wrote to him.

"Sorry to keep you waiting."

The door opened and Marie entered the vehicle, throwing his belongings aside as he started the car and began driving out. He stared at the town which flashed fleetingly before his eyes, before it disappeared out of his sight completely. His vision blurred slightly, and that very scene was played once again―the flash of rage present in his eyes as he revealed a bitter smile, showing him that he had won.

_I HATE YOU._

He had clearly won, yet it wasn't the victory which he wanted.

The car slowly stopped at the side of the road as Marie told him that he would be back shortly. The door closed with a loud slam, and Kanda stared at the black fences which looked seemingly familiar. He slowly turned, and as he peered at the signboard more closely, he realised that it was the college which he attended previously before he left. His finger pressed down, opening the window as he heard faint cheering noises beyond the fences.

It was his graduation today.

Many people were strolling inside, joining the celebration which was held in the hall. He unconsciously leaned forward, his hand on the door as he was preparing to open it, and he suddenly remembered that he was unable to move. Kanda sighed, peering at the fences as he wondered what was happening inside. The ceremony should be almost done at this timing, and students would be coming out, taking photos with their friends and family who came.

"Do you want to see?"

Kanda turned to Marie who was at the door. His mouth opened as he wanted to refuse, but nothing came out of his throat. He heard footsteps coming to him as the door opened, warm breeze entering the vehicle. He felt an arm around his shoulders and a hand clasping his as Marie slowly helped him out. His feet stumbled and tripped at each step he attempted to take as they walked to the fence, waiting for the graduates to come out.

"It is Allen's graduation today right? Is this why you want to come out and see?"

Kanda remained silent, gripping the metal fences tightly by his hands as he shifted away from Marie's hold. It might be due to the long period of time which he was not around, but it definitely wasn't because he was affected by the past memori es, and the strange feeling which he always had whenever he was thinking of him.

The doors opened, and the graduates started streaming out, making their last conversation with their friends and taking photos to mark the end of their college life. With that striking white hair, he spotted Allen instantly who was standing at the fountain with Lenalee, Lavi and a brunette who looked rather familiar.

_I can see that Lou Fa likes you, Allen! When are you going to accept her feelings?_

He continued to stare as the said girl came up to Allen who leaned down and gave a kiss on her lips.

Something inside him snapped. It was a faint sound of breaking, falling right to the very bottom. It actually hurt, more than the numbing pain that he had to experience every day. He questioned himself why he would be standing here and seeing this even though he had already promised himself that it was over. And it was then when he realised that he had been retracing the footsteps all along, going through the moments until he was back when they last met.

_I will never forgive you._

He was the one who was still at the same place two years ago, while Allen had already moved on.

The crowds were moving away, and Lavi turned to where he currently was at the same time. Their gazes briefly met, and Kanda turned around immediately, hiding behind the large shoulders of Marie who was confused in his actions.

"Let's go."

"We are leaving already?" Marie questioned in bewilderment. Kanda nodded his head, and Marie took his hand, leading him back to the car. His face was downcast for the entire time, and it was only when the school was completely out of sight did he finally look up, staring at the reflection of his college from the side mirror which was getting smaller. He shivered slightly, wearing an extra sweater over him as he started coughing.

"I'm done with work for today. Do you have anywhere you want to go, Kanda?"

He slipped his cold hands further into the warm sleeves as he thought of it. Even though he knew he shouldn't return to that place anymore, he had to make the last trip there, in order to erase that particular past for real.

"Bring me back to the old house."

Marie's eyes widened in surprise, and Kanda ignored it, continuing to stare at the scenery outside. They arrived in front of their old house, and Marie carried him out carefully, placing him on the wheelchair as he brought him to the red letterbox situated at the front gates. He reached out and opened it, and he was not surprised when he found a letter inside. He opened it, seeing Lenalee's name which was signed at the bottom of the page.

"Is that really you, Yuu...?"

He froze, his eyes widening in shock as he recognised the voice instantly. Kanda slowly looked up, staring at the tall figure of Lavi who was standing a few centimetres across him. There was an envelope in his hand, and he should have realised that Lavi hadn't delivered his letter yet.

Lavi slowly walked to him, staring at him in complete shock as he stopped in front of him. He made no moves to leave as the redhead inspected him from top to bottom, before he stared at him again, horrified.

"What...what happened to you?"

Kanda coughed again, gasping out breathlessly. He suddenly felt unbearably warm and lightheaded.

"Kanda!"

His vision darkened, and he could only see a brief glimpse of Lavi running to him, before everything went black.

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_"ALS?"_

_"Yes. Also known as Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, it is a debilitating disease which will cause your muscles to weaken and lose its function. The numbness will continue to spread, causing eventual paralysis throughout your body." _

_He could only stare at the doctor in silence, unable to say anything. _

_"The cause of it is unknown. The progression will be slow, starting from the limbs or the arms. You will eventually lose the ability to walk and speak, and in later stages, a ventilator will be needed to aid in your breathing. There will also be other implications along the way. What we can only do is to give medication to slow down the progression and prolong your lifespan which will be around four years." _

_This was ridiculous. Did he actually mean that he was going to die? _

_He got out of the consultation room with Tiedoll who led him to a row of empty chairs while he went to collect his medicine. He still remained silent as they got back home, his diagnosis being explained to his two other stepbrothers who could stare at his stepfather in shock. He returned to his room, and as he stared at his legs which were shaking slightly at the slightest pressure exerted on them, he swore that he was not going to be affected by this nonsense which was simply absurd. _

_He continued his activities as usual, but he knew that something had changed. His legs wouldn't move as he wished, and he would fall down for no reason. The tugging pain which was causing the numbness was slowly getting to his nerves, and one day, he finally could not take it anymore. _

_He roared, throwing everything which was in his way. Vases were smashed, and the books and papers were all over the floor. He grabbed his sword and unsheathed it, raising it up as he aimed it at his legs. If he couldn't move his legs as he wanted to be, then they were useless to him. _

_"Yuu-kun!"_

_"Kanda!"_

_He felt someone grabbed his arm, and he shove whatever person aside roughly, his hateful gaze onto his legs which were an eyesore. As he was about to stab down, something hit his hand, causing his grip to loosen as the blade fell, flying a few metres across the floor. Tiedoll held him firmly by his arms while Marie, one of his stepbrothers, picked up the weapon and put it out of his reach before he could retrieve it. _

_"Get off of me."_

_There was no answer. He growled, struggling against his grasp as he yelled at the top of his voice._

_"Get off of me! GET OFF!"_

_Blood was drawn out of his fingers clawing at his skin. It felt extremely unfair, and this frustrated him greatly. Despite how hard he tried to erase it away, it just kept coming back. Why was he living a pathetic life like this? And even though he continued to question himself, he couldn't come out with an answer. _

_"You should treasure yourself more, Yuu-kun. Despite everything, you are still living now, isn't it?" _

_He felt wet tears falling onto his shoulders, yet he did not move, choosing to stare at the sunset beneath the hovering clouds. _

_He did not know that living could be this tiring. _

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Kanda opened his eyes, finding himself lying on the bed in a hospital room. His vision slowly cleared as he inhaled large amounts of oxygen from the respiratory ventilation which he was wearing, noticing Marie and Lavi standing by the bed, staring at him worriedly.

"You are finally awake! You really scared me back there, Yuu!" Lavi exclaimed, gripping his hands tightly. He was still feeling slightly dizzy, and he stared at Marie questioningly, wondering what had really happened.

"It is pneumonia. Your lungs have considerably weakened for the past two years, and you are prone to virus infections from outside. And..."

Marie's words trailed off as he looked away. Kanda slowly averted his gaze back to Lavi who was not looking at him from the beginning. He slowly removed the oxygen mask from his face as his hand reached out to Lavi who knelt down, trembling slightly.

"I did not know that it would be like this, and I had been blaming you for the two whole years ever since you disappeared. I'm so sorry, Yuu. I'm so sorry about it..." Lavi muttered softly, tears falling out of his eyes as he continued to apologise.

"Stop it, Lavi."

"Does the others know about this?"

Kanda remained silent.

"What...about Allen? Does he know?"

"Lavi―"

"He has to know, Yuu! Everything is all a misunderstanding, isn't it? He has been hating you for the entire two years! You have to tell him!"

His hand slipped away from his grasp, and he panicked when Lavi stood up, making his way to the door.

"LAVI!"

His footsteps gradually stopped, his hand touching the doorknob as he was about to open it.

"If you dare tell him, I will _kill _you."

His breath was stuck at his throat from the sudden inhale as he spoke out, and he broke out into fits of hoarse coughs. Marie came to him, putting the oxygen mask over his mouth immediately to ease his breathing. Lavi rushed to the bed, staring at him anxiously as he started apologising to him again. Kanda gasped slightly, feeling the constricted pain at his chest gradually residing as oxygen started to flow into his lungs more smoothly. The three of them just stood in the ward, silent for a few minutes.

"How many remaining years...does he have?"

"Probably a year," Marie answered for him. Kanda said nothing, choosing to stare at the sakura which slowly fluttered into the room, landing on the thick covers where his legs were.

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After he stayed in the hospital for a week, he was finally home. Kanda sighed as he was put onto a chair at the dining table. He stared at the plate of rice in front of him, and as he reached down and took the spoon up, it slipped through his fingers easily, falling onto the marble surface loudly.

"Are you okay, Yuu-kun?" Tiedoll asked in concern. Kanda ignored him as he attempted to take the spoon up for the second time, but it fell past his grip once again, dropping onto the table. He gritted his teeth in anger, breathing hardly though his mouth as he tried again and again and again, but it just continued to fall out.

Daisya continued eating his dinner, pretending that he did not see anything. Marie looked away, a grim expression on his face. There was a few minutes' of silence, before Tiedoll finally stood up and walked over to him. He took the seat beside him, taking the spoon as he put it in his hand. He then clasped it together with his, scooping a mouthful of rice before putting it near to his mouth to eat.

The food lingered at his closed lips for a long moment. Kanda slowly opened his mouth as the spoon was inserted, and he began munching on the food. No one said anything throughout the meal, and after dinner, he was brought to the dojo room. The raven-haired man sat by the opened doors, feeling the warm breeze coming into the empty room as he gazed at the moon at the night sky.

_He has been hating you for the entire two years! You have to tell him!_

He knew that the beansprout put the feelings of others before himself, and he was too considerate to notice what he really wanted, because he would always accept what was given to him. However, he had never expected him to remember that for the entire two years.

Kanda leaned back, his hands spreading across the wooden floor. His breathing gradually evened out, and he closed his eyes in exhaustion, feeling the remaining strength in his body slowly draining away. Time was slipping out of his grasp very quickly, and despite how hard he tried to hold on, he realised that it could no longer stop. He was gradually falling behind, and he would eventually collapse.

He turned, staring at Mugen leaning against the wall. How long had it been since he touched the blade?

_I HATE YOU._

How long had it been since he stopped hating Allen?

_Someone like you should just disappear._

Kanda hissed, looking down as he stared at the ground. How long had it been since he started seeking for his existence? Now? One year ago?

Or was it _right_ at the very beginning?

_He has to know, Yuu! Everything is all a misunderstanding, isn't it? _

He heard footsteps stopping beside him. Kanda looked up, seeing Marie faintly in the moonlight. He raised his arms, wrapping them around his shoulders as the other slowly lifted him up, carrying him back to his room. He was slowly put down on his bed, the covers tucked nicely over him. He stared at the ceiling as the lights were switched off, before he closed his eyes, the image of Allen gradually wiping out of his mind.

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"Are you feeling alright?"

Kanda glared at the redhead who insisted on visiting him every single day.

"I already told you that you don't need to come every day."

"How can you say that in this condition?!" Lavi exclaimed, frowning in slight anger as he pushed his wheelchair along the trail in the park. "No matter what you say, I am going to accompany you till the end!"

He remained silent, not bothering to stop the other's blabbering as he stared at the peaceful scenery in front of him. They walked for a few distance, before the redhead pulled the wheelchair over, standing at a nearby wooden bench facing the small cafe across them. Lavi turned the wheelchair around, putting the blanket closer to his lap as he finally sat down.

"It feels good to be here, isn't it?"

Kanda watched as people streamed in and out of the cafe. The waiters were serving the customers, and some of them were sitting under the umbrellas outside the cafe, enjoying the evening atmosphere as they drank their beverages. How many times had he imagined himself walking up to the cafe, sitting down at the table as he slowly savoured his beverage for the entire day?

"At that time, do you really mean what you said to Allen, Yuu? When you said that he is only nothing but a beansprout."

He coughed out, feeling difficult to breathe all of a sudden. In the past, he would have said the same answer without hesitation, but now, he wasn't really sure. No matter how many times he thought about it, he knew that it wasn't just _nothing_.

Loud laughter and shrills echoed in the surrounding as the children and their mothers starting coming in. Bright smiles were on their faces as they jumped and skipped along the pavement, playing with one another. They gradually walked past, and Lavi couldn't help but grinned at this sight.

"No."

His emerald eyes widened in shock, before Lavi slowly turned to face him. Kanda continued to watch as the silhouettes of the children were gradually getting smaller. He knew. Ever since he kissed him during the Hatsunode Festival, he knew that he was starting to have feelings for the other, and he was dangerously slipping further into it. It was just too sudden, and having this disease only made it easier for him to get away.

"It was the easiest way to end it. I have no intentions of continuing it, and having this disease was the right moment."

"So you did it on purpose? To make him hate you?"

"We detest each other all along," Kanda said, raising his hand and brushing his fringe away. "It is better for the both of us."

"How can you say that so selfishly?! Can't you consider Allen's feelings?" Lavi stood up and stood in front of him, glaring at him angrily.

"No matter what you say, it is over."

"Why?!"

"There is no meaning to linger onto someone who is _dying_, isn't it?"

It was already late summer, and despite how he did not want to admit it, he could feel himself getting weaker day by day. His body felt extremely heavy to move, as though there were tons of weights behind his back.

Lavi's eyes went wide, unable to respond to his question. Kanda looked up, wincing slightly at the glaring sunlight shining into his eyes. His heart clenched at the last sentence he said, and he wondered whether he was already regretting it. His gaze stopped at a yellow leaf on the tree branch which was shaking from the wind, before it slowly fell onto the ground.

The sky was darkening, and the two of them began to head their way home. As they exited out of the park, he noticed a familiar shadow coming out of the car across the street. Sapphire eyes slowly widened at the white-haired man whom he saw, and the worse of it was, he actually turned around, their gazes meeting each other instantly.

"Yuu?" Lavi questioned, sensing his distress. Kanda turned around quickly, pretending that nothing had happened. They soon reached the entrance of his house, and Marie took over, carrying him back to his room. As he laid on his bed motionlessly, that particular moment flashed in his mind once again. He could never forget that brief moment of shock that he saw on his face seconds before he turned around.

"I will be coming tomorrow."

As Lavi opened the gates and was about to leave, he heard approaching footsteps coming his way.

"Lavi?"

Lavi froze. He slowly turned, seeing Allen standing metres away. Allen walked up to him, his eyebrows knitted into a deep frown.

"What is going on here?"

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His lips slowly parted as he slowly opened his eyes. There was a blankness of white for a moment, before light started seeping into his eyes, gradually brightening up the place he was currently in. The tip of his finger on the bed twitched ever so slightly as Kanda stared ahead with a blank expression, wondering where he might be. He inhaled through the respiratory ventilator attached at his nose sharply, his eyes rolling back as he noticed a shadow beside him.

"How long it has been?" he murmured breathlessly. How long it had been since he was here? He remained at the same place for a very long time, and his time was passing by so painfully slow that he had lost count the days which were already long gone. The memories of last summer went by in a fleeting moment, too fast for him to remember. His consciousness came and slipped past, and it was just hard to keep on like this.

Kanda coughed slightly, turning to Marie who hadn't said anything, and did not intend to take him out of bed. His hand trembled as he tried to raise it up. He swallowed dryly, closing his eyes as his hand which was trying to reach to the other continued to shake violently. He hissed out in frustration, opening his eyes as he turned to him.

"Marie―"

"K-Kanda."

His eyes widened for a second, his breath caught at his throat from the remaining words which were about to come out of his mouth. Kanda slowly turned, and he saw Allen standing a few metres in front of the bed. He continued to stare at him as he slowly approached him, hearing the echoing footsteps coming closer. His hand stopped shaking instantly as something warm gripped on it.

Allen stared at him solemnly, tears slipping out of his eyes. He then looked down, and unable to bear with it anymore, his body started shaking as he slowly knelt down on the floor, his two trembling hands trying so hard to grip onto his hand firmly as his tears fell onto the white bed sheets.

"I am sorry. I am so sorry, Kanda. I am so sorry..."

He breathed out, strangled whimpers escaping out of his trembling lips. Allen continued to rock himself back and forth, mumbling apologies under his breath again and again and again.

"Get out."

The sobbing stopped as Allen stared at him, shocked. He tried to clench his hand in order to shake his hand away, but he knew he did not have the strength to do so. Kanda hissed, turning away.

"Why is he here?"

"Kanda, this is―"

"Tell him to get out."

"Kanda, please―!"

"GET OUT. NOW!" he yelled out in rage, his sapphire eyes widening as he found himself hard to breathe. He coughed out hoarsely, breaking out into loud gasps as he badly needed the air all of a sudden. Allen's loud cries echoed at his ears, and it gradually began softer, until the door of his room was shut. There was a long moment of silence, and he slowly inhaled, gradually calming himself down. Footsteps were heard, before Marie was standing beside the bed once again.

"Aren't you waiting for him to come back?"

He peered at the red autumn leaf flying into his room. The dates on the calendar placed on the dressing table were crossed out, and the edges of the pages were already crumpled from the constant flipping. The feelings had already changed before he realised it, and as he stood under the same place while each season gradually passed, his gaze had always been onto that very one person right from the beginning.

"There is nothing between us."

He heard his desperate cries and the knocks on the door, as though he was pleading him to let him in. Kanda gritted his teeth, wondering why he had to remember those moments so clearly. His gaze on the wall hardened as he began to lock those emotions away once again.

_No._

Even if he had started to regret; even if he knew he had lost right at the beginning, he refused to turn back.

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**Author's Note: **This is supposed to be one-shot, but it is too long, and I decide to split the story into parts. I was thinking of trying to write a story from Kanda's perspective instead of Allen's, and this came out of my head.

Anyway, please review and tell me your opinion about the chapter. I apologise for the any grammar, vocabulary or spelling mistakes that you might spot along the way. Please tell me if there is any. Lastly, everything is deeply appreciated :)

**SingingBlues**


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